In These Uncertain Times

Oh 2020! What a wild and crazy past few months it has been. There’s civil and racial unrest, conspiracy theories floating around, Covid 19 cases back on the rise, people throwing tantrums about masks and a multitude of other things. After four straight months at home, I figured I’d dust off the blog .
As much as we tried, we were not able to keep the chaos of 2020 from infiltrating our lives. I had to postpone my oophorectomy since it was technically elective, and nobody really wanted to be at the hospital during all that’s going on. Since I wasn’t going to have any procedures or a stay at the hospital , my youngest thought she’d take my place with a week long stay at the children’s hospital with what we thought was appendicitis. All is well, and though it was nerve wracking she handled it like the little warrior that she is. Then, I was officially “furloughed indefinitely” from my job. Got to appreciate the creative wording, I imagine it is supposed to lessen the blow. No big deal we only have two additional mouths to feed. Puppy mouths mind you, but still need feeding. (Yep we’re insane and got two dogs under a year old.) Our school district is allowing families to determine how their kids return for the school year, and I am torn. Most of me is confident they should stay home, and the rest of me has no idea what that looks like or how that’s going to work.
So here I am, I have some weighty decisions to make, I am currently out of work, no solid opportunities on the horizon, and I feel ill equipped, outnumbered, and a little uncertain. Surprisingly, I don’t feel overwhelmed. Maybe that is one of the positives from going through cancer, I’ve been trained to navigate uncertainty.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t like my current situation, and I am not comfortable, but I am not in a panic ( like I would normally be in this type of scenario). I have done some basic strategic planning and budget evaluations, but I feel oddly peaceful.
-I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Psalm 27:13 NKJ
As some of you may know I have in the last few years been pining for a farm. I passively do research on hobby farms and best practices for raising small animals and crops. A conversation with one of my friends reminded me of a farming practice I’d learned about.
A fallow; non-productive period that leaves essential elements in abundance. In an effort to let the land rest and rejuvenate a field will be tilled but not planted. You won’t see new growth necessarily and there will be no pretty blossoms, but important things like nutrient restoration are happening out of view. After a fallow period the field almost always yields a more abundant and healthy crop.
I am going to embrace this fallow season. There’s plenty to do behind the scenes, I am sure God has a long list. I am going to maximize this time home with my family while continuing to anticipate my future harvest.
Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. James 5:7 ESV
-As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience. Luke 8:15 ESV

May Day

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Y’all I have been on the struggle bus for about the last month and a half.   Where to begin?  So… I have been worrying, analyzing, debating, and overanalyzing my reconstruction options for several months. I’ve gone back and forth, no reconstruction at all, DIEP flap with implants, DIEP flap without implants, or BRAVA method.


Then my sweet dog Zhoe passed right before Easter.  Insert a moment of silence here for my fur baby.  I didn’t handle that as nobly as I’d like to think I would have.  There was snot and wailing, if I would have had access to ashes, I would have poured them on my head and torn my clothes and lamented in the streets.


Meanwhile, I’ve been dealing with resigning from my job.  It had turned into a situation that just didn’t make sense economically, and I felt like there was a spiritual nudge to let it go. Of course, I drug my feet, because quitting one’s job without a backup is nonsense.  I could not deny however, the many indicators that kept popping up confirming it was time to move on.

Leaving work

Fatigue, I have been battling with this for a while.  I come home from work, with barely enough energy to stand to make dinner for the family.  The tiredness has been the most daunting.  There is so much I want to do, but sometimes physically, it’s just not doable.  Then when my stubbornness kicks in and I push through (like power washing my parents pool deck out of vain refusal to admit I was dying) I pay for it big time.

So, we’ve got the death of my dog, complicated grown up type life decisions needing to be made, medical bills, a very busy time of year in general, my oncologist is moving away, trying to figure out my life, nutritional changes to help fend off the fatigue, oh and my basic maternal and spousal duties.


Frankly, I’m not excelling at anything right now, life is not like college, where C’s get degrees.  The HOA notices have rolled in because our poor yard looks like it’s from an abandoned district in the Hunger Games.  I tried the whole, “your kids won’t remember the cleanliness of your house but the memories” approach and I literally have lost Micah in her room, haven’t seen the surface of my dining room table in weeks, and Owen has worn a matched pair of socks a whopping three times this year.  All the while I keep hearing, “be still”.

Still is not my thing, there’s always something to be done, time should be used wisely, why put off tomorrow what can be done today etc.  Be still? Have you seen this living room?  If there was a market for weeds, I could harvest our front yard and be set for life.   Somewhere back in the chaos, I chose a reconstruction route, and I am reminded by the doctor’s office, “remember there will be a few weeks of down time, use this time to rest (and because they have me figured out) you know, like be still while you’re healing”.



I will be working on listening while I am confined to my bed over the next couple of weeks, and looking forward to realizing the plans for my family and me.  Surgery is May 11th and prayers for an easy successful surgery and recovery are always appreciated.