I had my follow up appointment a few days back. I graduated from the obnoxious tube top thing to sports bras and was in very little pain. I headed into my Dr.’s fancy new office and waited for the nurse to take me back. I changed into the little robe and opened up my little book of prayers that is getting more and more worn as the days go by. My doctor comes in with a heavy sigh and a “Hey kiddo”.
I tell her I peeked at my pathology report before I came in and already knew we were going to have some things to talk about. (My access to the pathology report prior to my appointment was totally a glitch, or was it?). “You’ve seen it, and you’re still smiling?”
So the cancer had made its way to one of my lymph nodes. They found two additional spots of IDC and several spots of pre-invasive.
I know, I know. Not what I wanted to hear at all. I was feeling really good about all my fears I’d overcome in the past few months. Basically, we are back to the drawing board another MRI and PET scan. There’s a good chance that I am going to have to have chemo, which I was really looking forward to skipping.
The news was not nearly as hard to take this time around. I think because since June 20,2016 God has shown me over and over that He is with me. From not having a claustrophobic panic attack in the MRI tube, to the peace that passes understanding I’ve experienced, and finally keeping a sound mind facing my overwhelming fear of surgery. There’s nothing He can’t do. I told Him not too long ago, that I trusted Him with this, and I am not going to let some scary words, tests, and treatments cause me to go back on my word.
I went back to my parent’s house and broke the news to my mom and husband, sliding the diagram of upside down hand written notes across the counter. I can’t even really remember what all I said, I just couldn’t keep eye contact with Dave for too long so I tried to make it short and sweet.
And that melody that had been stuck in my head since I left the Dr.’s office persisted. If you know me, you know that drives me crazy. Puzzles, trivia, “oh what movie is that guy from?” haunt me until they are solved. What song is this? What are the words? It was a couple of hours later while watching the news about the storms beating down on the east coast, the words came back to me.
“let the waters rise,
I will stand as the oceans roar,
Let the earth shake beneath me,
Let the mountains fall,
You are God over the storm,
And I am yours.”
(I Am Yours, Lauren Daigle)
Even when I don’t know the words, my heart sings out to Him.
So in the meantime, I will polish my armor, sharpen my sword, tend to my bow, and stock my quiver. The battle may not be over, but the victory is already mine.
flint & honey 